Would I even fit?

As a teenager, I struggled a lot with my body perception and weight. I've learned in the years of therapy that followed that, for starters, eating disorders are contagious. Well, I happened to be a 15-year-old who just wanted to fit in with a bunch of skinny girls. The cool girls ate no snacks, no carbs, and little by little I was going down the same road.

While I regained a healthy weight relatively soon, the hyperfixation and obsession with food took a while to overcome.

It was only when I discovered CrossFit at university that I realized that, to be good at this sport, you had to eat. Another revelation was that my body fuels really well on carbs. It helped me a lot that in this bubble, while some people focus on clean eating and macro counting, most just eat a lot and whatever they want.

Naturally, I gained weight as I gained muscle and slowly came to accept this as my new "normal".

Moving within this CrossFit bubble, I consider myself tall, with an average, slightly muscular build. Outside the bubble, however, I get stopped at day raves or bars and get asked the same question in different variations: "Do you do sports?"

Fact is, I do a lot of CrossFit and weightlifting and have done so consistently for years, and it shows.

While some might think, wow, what a wonderful compliment, I have to admit that it may be a compliment in disguise—or just a poorly expressed one—but usually it is rather uncalled for. It is one thing to express admiration or comment something like, "Nice job," or, "Man, you must work hard for those biceps." Still weird, but at least positive.

I've been asked if I throw discus, am a swimmer, a rower, a weightlifter, and probably some other sports along the way. These are the funny conversations that I smile and joke about.

Unfortunately, I've also been asked whether people don't find me too muscular. Then one guy had the audacity to go on and tell me how, in his friend circles, I would be seen as unattractive and too masculine.

Excuse me?!

Coming from an overweight guy, I was floored.

We are taught to be body-positive and accepting of different body types and, especially, never ask if a woman is pregnant or comment on people being obese or fat. Why do people think they can just comment on somebody's muscles?

I'm just here having a good time and don't care about your opinion. I didn't ask, and I'm not giving you my opinion either.

While I very much am in sync with my body and have been for a few years now, comments like these do send me spiraling. I don't look like a supermodel. I have muscles, and they come from me pursuing a sport I love.

I really like the current Instagram trend that says: "In a world where you can buy skinny, muscles speak even louder."

While I don't entirely agree with it—there are plenty of healthy reasons why people may be naturally slim, and not everyone can or wants to build muscle—it does capture something important. My muscles weren't bought, filtered, or photoshopped. They were built, one training session at a time.

Even though I'd like to believe we've progressed when it comes to female body image, there is still a lasting hyper-feminization. It's frustrating not to fit into an XL blouse at Zara or, even worse, an L Nike running top.

Then again, they cater to the average. And the average woman doesn't weightlift as much as I do.

Fair enough.

While traveling in Korea, I saw many runners and figured they must have some cool sports clothes. I found a Musinsa Sport store (sort of like their H&M) and wanted to try on a sports bra. I took one in size L and XL because I figured they're probably fitted smaller there.

The male salesperson told me I shouldn't try them because they were made for Asians and wouldn't fit me.

I was appalled.

Next, I stood in a Nike store and was slightly traumatized, lifting up a sports bra. It said "Asian-fitted" on the tag.

Would they let me try it? Would I even fit an L or XL?

Anxiously, I tried one in L.

And it fit.

All that anxiety for what?

I left the Nike store and wondered if I should still buy that sweet snack I had craved an hour earlier.

Crazy how little comments like that can send one spiraling.

I'm here to tell you: don't let it get to you.

One of my favorite CrossFit athletes recently posted that even she struggles with her looks some days. I was surprised and felt for her. I had always been under the impression that she was probably more self-confident than I am.

Turns out I'm not alone.

Those guys who ask what kind of sports I do or who have told me to "put away your biceps"—it says more about them as a person than anything.

One of my best friends will turn around and say:

"Jealous, aren't you? If you keep training, you might get there."

Then wink, smile, and laugh.

Find yourself such a wingwoman, and learn to be your own.

xoxo,
F